Another update

 It's been a year, now its 2026... nothing has changed.

I have been flutuacting between being apathic and super depressed, these days I look back at times where I had good days more often...... now it's like once every 3 months.

I am trying my best to be a responsible adult, take care of my health, be productive and social.

But it's all on autopilot, my true wish is to just to be alone and do nothing, not even exist. Even my food cravings, happy wishes on life and music sessions are on autopilot, I can't seem to enjoy a single thing. Currently I don't have any true desires, other than a mental rest from everything and everyone - including myself.

And as time passes by and I grow older, a thought comes back to haunt me yet again: I don't really allow people to get close to me. Friendship is hard already, love seems simply impossible. Everytime I watch movies about romance my heart aches not for the characters and plot, but for my inability of ever living something like that. It really feels impossible for me to picture my current self being cherished and loved - desired, even. 

At the end of the day, the reason for all that is because I don't love myself, although I try very hard. It's the most heartbreaking feeling - that I wish to overcome, my one dream.

It's been so bad that even at the smallest compliment or act of kindness I automatically burst into tears, so embarassing. I wish my self esteem wasn't so tender and mushy.

Also, because my mental health is declining again, I get extremely upset at the thought of offing myself. Not that I have been suicidal, but because I have been afraid of falling in such state... for years now. I fear something will trigger me into having such thoughts, and it upsets me to see how close I am from the edge of something so devastating.

I watched a movie today, Pavane, where one of the happiest characters attempts - well, turns out he was miserable and extremely lonely... just like me. See? Just like me. I see this in media over and over again, on the news and everywhere. I don't want to be this close, yet here I am.

Living shouldn't be this complicated, right?

Bruh!!!!!!!!

 Well... it's 2025, wow. 

I completely forgot about this blog, unfortunately. It would've been so great to record my thoughts throughout these years after grief. Pandemics was shit, life was shit, uni was shit... still is.

I'm trying my best to keep my head above the water and breathe, faking until I make it, but it's hard... and it's extra hard since I don't have any close friends at uni...... like AT ALL. That's so sad, I've been in this spot for 3 whole years and not a single friend, not one soul (and yes, I've tried my best to make small talk, was friendly to a lot of people, tried to get in some friend groups, etc. None of my poor tatics worked, as expected but at least I tried.

It's now mid february, my mom moved in with me... or we moved together? Since I don't own the place.... huh. The apt is hella small, but decent. However, even here there's not one even young person on this building to make friends or chit chat with, marjority of the residents are retired old men. My mom is apparently enjoying making new friends, good for her.

Since I failed in making friends in uni, I'm trying other places: Tinder (yeah...) and random TTRPG groups. A while back when I was working at the campus library I came across a QR code of a group of people who wants to join or start a campaign. I hope it goes well, it starts in a couple weeks.

I also decided to go to parties and go back on losing weight... I'm back at 83kg or so, feeling fat AS FUCK, my hair sucks, my health sucks, my skin... fuck!!!!!!! Trying my best to become who I want to be physically.... intellectually I'm not sure anymore, I feel like giving it all up all the time, but at the same time I know it's crazy and irresponsible, but... is it really? I don't know. I feel like I'm just floating and not grabbing anything to save myself, looks right, looks like progression - it just feels weird, I feel lost.

Wowza...

 Hi there! It's been a while.

A lot has happened since last June...
- My dog died in mid September
- Got some weight back (oops?)
- Lots of realization about myself
- Started my bullet journal!
- Friends :D
- Yes, I've finished the book and started the following one
- I have indeed gotten back to art, yay

To sumn up 2020 so far...
> January was a lot of fun, I hang out a lot with my friends and we played lots of RPG. I ate and cried a lot too.
> February is being a bit slow, but so far so good. My classes are back, I'm actually in good terms with my dad (!!), I'm being productive with my art (not as much as I want to tho, so I'm working on it... quite literally).

Also right now I'm weighting 75kg... My goal still is 60-65kg so... I'm back to the feeling "-10kg... that's a lot!". But then I remember I was 85 and now I'm 75... It was hard sometimes but overall pretty smooth, so I'm calming myself down.

And I think it's good to mention that I struggled quite a bit with what I liked (back in 2017) because of toxic friends. Now, much more aware of this, I decided to finally snip those friendships and keep a good distance, just saying hi whenever and that's about it.

I like animation, illustration, k-pop, korean dramas, cute fashion and silly/dunk memes. I'm pretty happy liking these and whoever ever makes me feel bad again for liking something, I'm just.... gonna stay away from them. I know it sounds obvious but it was a small yet quite sharp rock in my shoe for a long time. Those toxic friends kept kinda making fun of me (indirectly.... of course) and it made me feel so bad. Later, I've realized how stupid it was to feel guilty/bad about liking... music???? Or memes???????? Or anything really... It makes me feel so good and happy, why should I feel bad about it?? Absurd situation that happens way too often with most people.

I've surrounded myself with friends I have an enjoyable, healthy and genuine relationship only. Of course I still have some... casual friends (I don't know how to put it, but I guess it's easy to get what I mean ...right?) which is healthy too! Like classmates or just not-so-close friends.

So... yeah, that's me right now. I still lack a lot but I'm quite happy with who I am, and that's pretty amazing if you ask me.

Hello again...

I was about 82kg when I started this, right? Well... I'm 71kg right now.
My life is kinda falling apart so I'm a mess but I'm really trying to get back to it.
I hate the FOMO of life and to be the late one/waste my youth/too old for this or that. I'm only 20 and constantly hear I'll be too old when I finally finish my studies...... That's crazy stupid?? But there's no way I can do anything, right? I guess.

Anyway, -10kg... I want to get somewhat between 60-65kg........ Still feels so far away. Again, I'm 162cm.

I think writing helps me a lot since it's quiet and I can actually think about my problems and organize my future actions. I'm also not used to write in english with proper grammar and ponctuations so I believe it's going to be a 'win win' situation hehehe

Ahm..... that's it for now.

- I'll finish the book I'm reading,
- Start the following one,
- Try to finish my classes,
- Breathe,
- Get back to art,
- LOSE WEIGHT.

HULLO FRENDS

      Hi guys, I'm just starting this blog to keep up looking at my progress with my healthy... thing?

      I'm Lou btw (I think you can already tell by the name of this blog, oh well) uhhh I'm 19, brazilian and VERY overweight. 1,62m and 81,5Kg.
   
       I started avoiding sugar about 2 or 3 weeks ago and then started to eat less carbs and fried stuff. Then this monday I started the real thing and I am doing some exercises (thanks a lot, Blogilates <3)
pilates/cardio/some focused workouts (mostly legs, butt and arms, because mine are very floppy :C) and sometimes I do some walkings (I want to start running when I get more used to it) and some dancing (mossssstly Just Dance or random coreos).

      But yeah, I just wanna do this to post some pics for the before and after results and talk about it, test out some recipes and -maybe- post some too. Ah btw about my eating habits, I'm not vegetarian/vegan but I really like vegs recipes, some of them are so good and so healthy too!
                                                                  A-we-so-me!
     
       Uhh so I'm not gonna be formal in this blog, just gonna type like a crazy lady and that's it. And I think I'm not gonna share this blog too much, maybe with a couple of friends or w/e. I don't know yet. I'm gonna be posting some pics for my 'before' this weekend I guess... I'm going to the beach with my mom so... Yeah, I think I could do that.

        Something that always stopped me from ~~getting healthy~~ was the sugar thing because I am a sweet type of gal, I love it and honestly I can't live without sweet things. I LOVE desert so much AAAAAAAAA but I don't mind getting like sugar free deserts or just healthy in some way, as long it is desert, I'm all in.

        BBBBBBBBBUBYE! (this post was just to test the blog settup but I feel it was OK , right?)